Beneath a Crow’s Wings: The Morrigan’s Call Retreat 2017

Only two weeks out from my return from Canada, I made the (much) shorter drive from Alexandria, VA—where I live—to Orange, CT. I love driving through New England, especially once the highways become two lanes and there are fewer cars on the road. In New York state, as I get closer to the US-Canada border, the landscape changes rapidly, becoming rockier, with large outcrops scattered beside the roads.

Camp Cedarcrest is the host of the Morrigan’s Call Retreat, and I found myself somewhat surprised by the land. It is in the midst of suburbia, but very much a patch of wilderness, with two rivers and a beautiful waterfall cutting through the land.

I’m sad to say that I was a bit festivaled out by the time midday on Saturday rolled around, but going up to Connecticut was the right step for me at this point in my life. Several things happened that confirmed some suspicions I had been having, a few of which I’ll discuss.

***

Last February, I reached out to my friend Brooke for a favor: would she be willing to perform an Oracle for me, to determine whether it would be the right move for me to attend the Morrigan’s Call Retreat? I had been sensing the Morrigan wanted more from me of late, but with the retreat being two weeks after the Sabbat, I was hesitant to register. I didn’t want to burn out, but I was feeling a strong draw towards going.

Brooke, kind soul that she is, agreed, and she pulled three cards from her oracle deck. Three cards for three signs asked of three Queens who are one.

I won’t detail her reading here, but one of the things that stood out for both of us from her reading was the direction that I was to light a candle at dusk when I had made my decision and state my intentions. She wanted me to make the choice, to consider the benefits and the deficits that I might face. Overall, I was to be patient and consider all the options.

Not long after Brooke finished speaking with me, I got a message from my spiritual advisor from college. She’s never met Brooke, knew nothing of my intent to attend the Morrigan’s Call, and I had not spoken to her of the oracle reading Brooke had done for me. So when she reached out and told me that “my candle always burns at dusk,” I was shocked. It’s a very specific image for it to be coincidence. It wasn’t until later that I remembered that she, too, works with the Morrigan in one of her aspects.

***

There was a glass bowl full of stones, dragon tears we had called them in elementary school. Orange and blue and white and green, with each representing one of the Four Treasures of the Tuatha Dé Danann. The green tear in my hand, I found myself joining the Stone Clan, named for the Lia Fáil, or Stone of Destiny. It is this stone that screams when the true kings of Ireland tread upon it, announcing their destiny for all to hear. It is a stone that denotes the one who shall bear the mantle of sovereignty over Ireland.

Sovereignty. The theme of the weekend, and the message that the Morrigan has been attempting to get through to me for neigh on six years now.

***

It was after Anubis left, having taken with him the pendant that I so cherished, lost in the midst of a labyrinth in the days before Samhain. I had fallen into a slump, and I was experiencing sensory overlays, the feeling of my reality being superimposed with another. I kept finding myself in a forest, dark and overgrown, that I would end up referring to as the Forest of Faith. At that time in my life, my faith was stunted, and I had been depressed for some time, with the majority of that depression affecting my spirituality.

In the times I found myself in the Forest, I would struggle to move forward. Regularly, the brambles and bracken that covered the forest floor would tangle me up, holding my back. After struggling for some time, I finally fell to my knees. I couldn’t bring myself to keep going. I was so, so tired, and I was ready to give up.

She came to me then, dragging my to my feet and not allowing my to make excuses. The Morrigan, a flood of black feathers, dark hair, and darker dress. She saved me, from myself, from my depression. She came to me in one of my darkest hours and dragged me from the breaking point. She’s been a part of my life ever since.

I would come to learn a lesson from her, a repeated message that she wanted to impose upon me. Sovereignty, sovereignty, sovereignty. As a goddess of Ireland, a goddess of that land, and a goddess who protects that land and its people, it is one of her strongest associations, especially on my path.

It’s hard to explain the message to one who is not me, but I will do as I can: she expects much from me, and she will not allow me to falter unless it is my decision; I will walk a path of service, helping others and building a community; it is destiny for me to take up a mantle of service, as a warrior for those who need protecting, and as the one who will lay down and allow those who must cross to use my body as a bridge.

***

It was Saturday, and I was sitting under the Raven Pavilion listening to John Michael Greer. He had put together a workshop on the concept of sovereignty, and I spent most of the time of this workshop trying to avoid getting hit too hard with the clue-by-four.

When it came time for Greer to ask us for examples of personal sovereignty, I volunteered my brief story. Her helping me to regain my personal sovereignty over my own mind when I was at my worst. Another woman there gave the example of her transition, and Greer was very respectful towards both of us and our stories of struggling with our own bodies, our own minds.

***

It’s been two months since the retreat, and I’m finding it difficult to write about even now. I’ve let this post sit and percolate over the last eight weeks, hoping to get across the depth of my experience here. Even though I was festivaled and peopled out by the middle of Saturday, it was still an experience I don’t regret having.

 

I think the crux of the weekend, though, for me was Sunday, when I finally went to see the oracle. I had come to this weekend on the advice of an oracle, and it felt only right to leave with the advice of another oracle.

At the doorway, they cleansed me with sage smoke, and once more I had a blade held to my throat, asking me why I sought the Great Queen. Upon standing before the oracle, she, too, asked me why I sought her, and I spoke the truth of why I had come that weekend and why I was there then.

She told me that two paths lay before me: the hard path, which would challenge and transform me, take me to walk the warrior’s path; and the easy path, which would have me as I am. There is no shame in either, she told me, and I am expected to rest for a time. She sensed the weariness that I felt, the struggles I dealt with. She said she sensed I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. The Great Queen bid me that I could call upon her in my dark times, in my struggles, in battle.

This hard path will always be open to me, when I’m ready. But I must rest first. And I know that I should still not dally, and when the time comes to walk that path, I must not hesitate from taking that first step.

For now, though, I will rest. The Great Queen will be there, and she has chosen me. I am among her children, and I will do as I can to honor her.

 

An Unexpected Message

Growing up, April Fool’s Day was always a major holiday to my family. We would plot and plan for days, trying to come up with tricks for that day to play on my siblings and parents. That’s not to say that we didn’t play pranks on one another all year ‘round, but rather that April Fool’s Day was a special case where anything goes, more or less. These days, I joke that it’s bigger than Christmas at my parents’ house, and that’s not entirely false.

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My first Witches Sabbat, I stayed for the planning meeting and hoped beyond hope that we would have tricksters be the theme for the following year. I had had a good time that weekend, and I planned to return. I was excited at the prospect of having a weekend of tricky pixies and sly foxes, full of magic and witchcraft and the thrill of a good joke.

Tricksters did not win that year, and instead I came up in 2016 to learn of offensive and defensive magic, of blessings and curses. I swam in a warm pond under a dark sky, the only lights the candles that marked the entrance, the only sounds the music of the frogs croaking and the shrieks of joy as those around me submerged themselves beneath the water’s surface, cleansing themselves of the pains and hurts of a rough year.

We did not stay for the planning meeting that year, the weather being too hot and the four of us being too tired to stay so late in the day. Instead, we drove back to Ottawa and spent time on our own. Later, we learned that the theme had been chosen for the following year’s Sabbat: tricksters and the fool’s journey.

I was thrilled.

***

As I prepared for the 2017 Sabbat, I knew I wanted to get back to how I had felt that first year. 2016 had been a fine time, full of magic and joy—after all, Sarah Lawless spat wine in my face, and it was awesome—but it had been missing something that I had gotten from it that first year. Friends I had made were unable to make it, and the heat drained much of the enthusiasm from me, as much as the mosquitoes drained me of my blood and made my fresh tattoo itch, driving me to the brink of madness.

I drove up on my own again this year, listening to various books on tape as I made the 10-plus hour drive to Ottawa. Of the five of us, I was the furthest south, and I can only stand being in a car for so long with other people before it starts to make my skin and my mind itch. I like the peace I get with driving, being able to stop and go on my own schedule. It’s a meditation-like activity for me, and I in part dedicate that time to Anubis, the patron of roads and the guide.

All along the roads to Canada, I watched as crows flocked to the edge of the highway or winged overhead, many resting as the rain fell quietly or picking bites to eat from those who did not manage to cross to the other side. I must have seen more than a dozen of them as I drove through Maryland, Pennsylvania, New York, headed north. They made me smile, for crows have many meanings to me and on my path. They are important symbols to me, important creatures, and I had opted to don their visage for our ritual that weekend. After all, in the animal kingdom, crows are often the ones tricking those around them, causing mild chaos wherever they fly.

***

The weekend did not turn out as I expected; what else can you really expect from a weekend dedicated to trickster gods and spirits? Knowing this, I tried to go in with as little expectations as possible, and still they managed to throw me for a loop.

I’ll admit it: I had thought that this would be my final year at the Witches Sabbat. It’s a great event, but it can be very draining, between the long car ride there and back again, as well as all the intense work we put in during those not-quite-three days. And, I’ll admit, though I was friendly with several of the people I had seen in previous years, I did not feel very connected to the community up there. It’s difficult to make an impression, to form connections, when you are only able to see these people once a year, and for only two days and a little extra. They’re good people, and I would miss them, but I had more or less decided that this would be my final year at the Witches Sabbat at Raven’s Knoll.

The gods, it seems, had other plans. And, frankly, I don’t know what I expected: several of the gods I work with are known for their tricksy ways. They have their own ideas of what is good for me, and I made my pledge long ago to do what I could to honor them.

I won’t get into the details of why the tone of the weekend changed dramatically on Friday evening. If you were there, you know of what I speak. If you weren’t, the story is too long, too delicate, and too personal to really go into. It’s one of those “you had to be there” moments, and honestly too complicated a situation to explain. To put it simply, the gods were insulted when we stood before the Aesir Vé, effectively changing the tone of the entire weekend. For me, if not for the folk assembled.

The rest of the weekend was spent in deep contemplation for myself and for what I wanted to do from then on. I knew by the end of opening ritual that I had to come back to Raven’s Knoll, and to keep coming back. Every year, I’m not sure, but it will be a regular place in my life for years to come at least.

I also came to learn that I was more part of the community than I had thought, with several people coming to me and expressing gladness that I was there that year. These small moments were not simply one-off conversations, but were instead the result of people making an effort and taking the time to speak with me privately.

In a lot of ways, it was humbling. I was not just welcomed, but wanted in some respects. This is a feeling I have always struggled with, the idea that my presence is not just tolerated, but sought. I regularly assume that, instead, people don’t want me around.

Call it part of my baggage, but it is something I have struggled with for years. And it was one of the things that I had considered and had helped me reach the decision that this would be my last year at the Sabbat. The gods, however, had other plans, as I said. They made it clear to me that they had greater expectations of me, something that was further emphasized two weeks later when I attended the Morrigan’s Call Retreat in Connecticut, but that’s another story.

***

If you don’t know me in real life, on the same side of the computer screen, you probably don’t realize that I can be a very serious person. I have my moments—and these can be fairly regular moments—where I joke and lay aside my stoic mask, revealing a bit of the trickster spirit I’ve always had. But overall, I am not one for frivolity, for relaxing and showing weakness to other people. I’m not one for setting aside my guarded ways, around almost anyone. There are very few that I trust, and this reflects a lot on my personality, to the point where people often have expectations of my behavior and, in those times I decide to relax and not play a part, surprise those around me.

Ritual this year was one of those times. It’s amazing what booze and magic will do—though, that almost assumes that booze isn’t magic, and I would have to argue with that idea—and the pure, unadulterated freedom of self you feel after a severe panic attack. But a little liquor, a little Pop! Goes the Weasel, a bit of tea with the Mad Hatter and you have yourself a space outside of time, outside of the real world. In the chilly Canadian night, I stood before the fire, a blanket around my waist, booze between my breasts, and a hellhound with their hand on my shoulder, asking if they can work on me for a moment or two.

I don’t know who it was behind the mask. I didn’t then and I still don’t. A few different people have told me it was one person or another, but frankly, it doesn’t matter at this point. They had come up a few times throughout the ritualized party we had gathered for, bearing mead for us before flitting off to somewhere else. But standing by the fire, they came up behind me, lay a hand upon my shoulder, and asked if I consented to being touched.

Being a bit drunk and more than a bit relaxed, I held up the green glow bracelet I bore. Red was for any who did not wish to be touched, and so by showing them that, I gave my consent. They worked my shoulders, ran their hand along my arms and down my back. I stood before the fire, closed my eyes, and let the final bits of tension and worry and fear and anger drift away. After a few minutes, they stopped, and as I turned around to thank them, I realized they were gone. And I did not see them again the rest of the night.

***

Kneeling in the soft dirt before the godpoles, I made a promise. I told them I would do better, and I got a firm idea in my mind of what that entailed. Taking care of myself has never been a high priority, and I have been known to regularly run myself ragged working for others, working for those who I consider need my help. I’ve been slowly coming to terms in recent months that I will live a life of service, another thing confirmed in Connecticut this year. But, again, that’s another story.

But kneeling in the not-quite-dirt-but-not-quite-mud, I prostrated myself before the gods and told them I would do better. I would make more of an effort to take care of myself, so that I can continue to help others. One cannot pour from an empty cup, and I have long since been drawing from the last dregs of myself. I have to take care of myself, else I cannot fulfill my duties.

I have not quite begun to meet that promise, instead spending time thinking on what it means. But I’ve spent too much time deep in thought, in contemplation. My body, something I’ve long disregarded, requires my attention and care. For I am mortal, and this is the only body I have. If I want to make the most of my life, to make the most out of my work for others, I need to take better care of it.

This is what the gods want from me, for now. It was not what I expected when I crossed the threshold of the Knoll and bid the crows at the gate hello after a year away. But the gods, the spirits—straight man and tricksters alike—will do as they please. It is up to you to bear the burdens they lay before you.

The Cave

A few weeks ago, I received a notification on Facebook that I had been invited to an event. Monika Healing Coyote was offering an advanced journeying class, and I’d been invited to attend the first session. I was immediately interested, and so I agreed to attend and put it on my calendar so I wouldn’t forget.

It had been a while since my first time journeying under Monika’s tutelage, but I was excited to attend, so early this afternoon, I made the hour-long trek up to her house.

Psychopomps were the theme of the day, though my journeys veered down a bit of a different path from those we were attempting. There were three goals, one for each journey, that we had for the afternoon: to ask our helping spirits to bring us to a psychopomp spirit that would assist us in our work; to learn a technique for guiding a soul to the afterlife; and to learn a technique  (or more) for guiding large groups to the afterlife, all of which were more guidelines for my experience today.


The drumming began, and I closed my eyes, finding myself in the autumn orchard after a bit of a rough start. I made my way down the path between trees, heading to the grand yew I had encountered before, growing in the midst of a cemetery with aged headstones. The grass was springy beneath my feet, which I only now realize were bare. I slipped into the gap between the roots and began the long walk down the dark earthen tunnel.

Once more, I emerge from the tunnel between two tall stones; this time, I notice they are encircled by a string of bells, about head height. I lick my palms heavily and press the damp skin to the left stone, then the right, before sitting at the base of the right-hand stone, called for a helping spirit once, twice, three times, and then settled in to wait.

Soon, I caught a glimpse of movement to my left, and I stood as the red fox trotted up to me. Kit, as I would later discover was what I was to call him, trotted on my left side as we made our way through the scrubland that I had found myself in the last journey with Monika, back to the rich forest where I had come across my own body. We went back to that spot, and I lay upon my bones, burying myself with the earth around us, and soon fell deep below the surface.

We landed in darkness, feet first. I could feel the water beneath us, but did not feel as though I were getting wet. It was dark, very dark, and you could feel the moisture in the air.

In the distance, I saw a white light, a doorway of light, and we began to make our way there. Upon reaching it, we stepped through, and I found myself in a large white…room? Area? There was no way to tell, for everything was white light.

Anubis stood before me, and I quickly felt the Morrigan at my back. My other gods appeared, all of them save Hermes. I realize now this is because he is not included in the oath I made years ago, for he made his presence known years after those words were said.

Surrounded by my gods, I see also an old man, leaning on a staff. At first I think, this is Hermes, but that does not seem right. I then think of Tiresias, the elderly prophet from The Odyssey, and though I am not sure, this seems true in some sense.

There were no words spoken, but the message seemed clear enough. Monika began the recall and I made my way back to the stones wreathed in bells and my orchard.

***

Kit and I made our way back to the dark, damp cave, the same way we had before, with my laying upon my body and burying myself with the rich dark earth. This time, the lighted doorway was gone, but I could see a paler area in the darkness, a sort of greyness that I headed toward. Soon, I found myself at the mouth of a tunnel, with the water growing deeper here but still my bare feet are not wet.

Gradually, the tunnel opens up, and I see to my right a stony outcrop where a man sits beside a fire. To my left, a little farther ahead, I see another man sitting beside a fire. Kit walks ahead of me and sits before me atop the water. He tells me I must choose.

“If I choose one, will I be able to come back to the one I did not choose?” I ask. Kit tells me that the one I choose would be the one that set my path.

I choose left, and I make my way up the stone and towards the man by the fire. He is old, the same man I had seen before, I believe. Kit goes ahead of me, curling up in the fire, beneath the cauldron set atop the fire. I sit on the log, the man on another to my left, before he stands and begins to stir the cauldron with his staff. I can see various herbs, roots, and fruit in it: what looks like red potatoes and strawberries, and I somehow know there is rosemary heavy within its contents.

Soon, the man bids me to drink from the cauldron. I told him no, that I knew better than to drink or eat that which I find in the Otherworld. He seems frustrated, but asks me if I know of the legend of the kappa. I nod, I say I do. He begins to ladle the cauldron’s contents over my head, but it pools and forms into a bowl over my head, the liquid hovering just inches above my crown. A few moments pass, and then it falls, drenching me. I bathe myself fresh from the cauldron, ensuring I get every inch of myself covered in the reddish liquid.

Now, the man nods at me, and he points to the water just a few yards past where we stand. It is an underground river, separating us from where the other man had been, but his small rocky island is dark now. Not far past the entrance of the cavern, the stones I had been walking upon drop off suddenly, forming this large underground river. The man tells me that I can now swim the waters in the cavern, swim this river. I walk into the water and begin to swim, now feeling the presence of the water and the sensation of growing wet from being submerged, something I had been missing before. I swim the wide circular river before coming back to the man. He spoke something to me, told me something, but I cannot remember.

The recall drumming begins, and I make my way back once more.

***

It is our final journey of the day, and I find myself back in the cavern with Kit, my feet still wet in the cold water. I choose right this time, and join the old man sitting there by the fire. He is the same man, I believe, as I have seen in the previous two journeys, but I am not sure. It is much colder here, and I can feel frost upon my feet.

I explain to him the intent behind this visit, and he stands and begins to walk up the ledge that curves around the tall cavern. I begin to follow, before noticing that Kit has not joined me. He does not like the cold, it seems. I tell him he can sit upon my shoulder, and together we walk up the ledge.

The old man has not stopped, and I am following him up a very thin path very high up the cavern wall. At one point, I look down, and when I look back again, I see the man is now two men, one continuing up, and one continuing through a door on the right, glowing brightly.

“You must choose,” Kit says in my ear. I hesitate for a long while before continuing up the ledge where the man has not stopped, now far above me on the path.

There is a dark cave at the top, and as I approach, I find myself in complete darkness as I head into the cave, following the man as he disappears within it. I am walking for a long time, and then the drum beats change. I call into the darkness, stopping, and tell him that I had to leave. From the darkness comes his hand, bearing a lantern lit with flame. I take it from him and turn around, carrying it with me as I return to my body.

Until We Have Forgotten Them

It was late October, and I had made the hour-long trip up to Mt. Airy, MD, to join some friends of mine for a journey group, led by Monika HealingCoyote. The aim was to contact the ancestors, and it had been some time since I’d done a journey.

I pulled in close to showtime, avoiding roosters and stable hands at the farm that was loaning us the space: a large barn loft, beautiful with its wooden floors and high beams. Inching my way past the caterpillar on the stairs, I made my way into the loft, carefully opening the door to avoid letting the warmer air escape, nor any barn cats that may be awaiting their chance.

Monika, the workshop leader, is a shamanic healer in the DMV area. I’d had the chance to meet her and attend one of her workshops at Frederick Pagan Pride Day this year, and I was both impressed and a bit smitten by her. She’s a sweet person, and conscious of her role in her own life and communities. Having enjoyed the workshop she gave and the short journey she led us through, I was intrigued to attend this journey session and see what I would see.


For the first journey, we aimed to travel to a helping spirit to bring us to an ancestor, so that we could ask them what gifts and blessings we received because of their life.  Monika began the music, and I pulled my hood over my face to bring myself into the darkness.

I walked along the path, finding myself in the apple orchard I frequent. A dry creek bed is hidden past the trees, not the flowing stream that I usually see. The trees are bare, their leaves gone for the winter.

I walk along the path until the orchard opens up into a clearing. Only a few years away there is a large graveyard,  headstones dotting the grass without order, their names illegible. I walk purposefully towards the yew, and make my way through the roots of the tree.

It is dark within here, but I find the tunnel and begin to make my way through, eventually coming out at the base of another tree, of My Tree, the large sylvan beast that I typically find myself entering this world from beneath. But, instead of standing at the top of the hill, before me spreads a wide expanse of dry prairie and scrubland, with two tall stones standing on either side of the entrance. I sit before one of the stones, and I wait.

At some point, the dog appeared, a collie snuggled beside me. He seemed larger than he was, but didn’t appear to be much bigger than others of his breed, at least not to my eyes. We stood and I followed him as we walked into the dry lands.

Cresting a dune, I looked down to see a large circle of people dancing in the dark, all clad in white, dancing around a fire. I watched for a while, unable to make out details from so far away, then followed my guide as he continued through the expanse. In the distance again, I caught sight of two men, battling with swords as they stood in the rain atop a ship’s deck. One slipped and fell to his knees, but the other did not kill him, though he was the victor. He showed mercy, and the scene faded.

At the far end of the prairie, we came to the edge of a forest. I began to crawl through the forest, over roots and fallen trees. In a small grove, sunlight broke through the thick canopy, and I knelt in the patch of light and began to dig, dirt quickly caking my fingernails. The earth was cold and wet beneath my fingers, and eventually I came to a skull, then slowly uncovered the rest of a skeleton—my own skeleton.

A crow came and landed on my shoulder, and at some point, my collie guide began a young woman, watching me as I dug up the skeleton that was my skeleton.

In the hole in the ground, I lay myself atop my skeleton in the damp earth, and I watched the trees above me until it was time to return.

As I came back, I ran, fleet-footed through the forest and through the desert back to the boulder. I lay my hand against the rock that was not there, then licked both stones standing beside the entrance to the tunnel. We ran, and as I went down the tunnel, the crow cawed and flew back behind me. Eventually, I was back beneath the yew tree, and I clawed myself out from under it, digging my way back to the surface. Emerging from its roots, I took a handful of water from the pool near me, lifting it to my mouth, then spraying it back upon the yew’s trunk in thanks.

I ran again, back down the orchard path, toward the cliff where I had started, and back to my body.


Our second journey was once more traveling to a helping spirit, to ask about the struggles and blockages we inherited from our family. We were to ask if our ancestor(s) could help us, work with us to cut away that particular influence in our lives.

Once more beneath My Tree, I stood by the standing stones. A crow joined me from the air, and a snake beside my feet. Once more, we made our way to the forest.

It was the same forest where I found my body, but we did not go beyond its edge. I stood there, surrounded by figures dressed in white who surrounded me, encircled me.

I drew the knife from my pocket and reached forward until I gripped the heavy, cold iron cord that bound me to the woman who had nearly killed me, the one I had thought to be my best friend.

It was a thin strip of iron, not unlike rebar, growing from the middle of my chest, out of my own heart. It was straight and cold, black like cast iron.

The woman appeared at the other end of the cord, and as I sawed back and forth across the iron band, my ancestors would come with buckets of water, pouring them over the iron as it heated from my efforts. Finally, I made it through the cord, my arm becoming weightless as it no longer had the iron holding it up. I lifted my hands, and I blasted her with my desire for her to be gone, casting her out of my life and into the depths of the forest.

Hiatus

If you haven’t already guessed, I am on a bit of a hiatus at the moment. I have a huge, non-religious project that I have been working on this month and will carry me into December. It’s extremely important to me and my future, so I am dedicating all my spare time to it. Additionally, now is the busy time at my work, and I am assisting on a few other time-sensitive projects, so blogging has taken something of a back burner role.

I would like to catch up on my shadow work posts, and I have a half dozen other posts that I want to write, but I do not currently have the time to do them justice. Hopefully, I will be able to catch up with the shadow work posts for June, July, and August (which I will likely end up lumping into one post), but I can’t be certain. My days are booked solid until early December, though, so I will likely not return before Yule.

See you on the other side! And wish me luck!

-Kaye

A Witch Who Cannot Heal

I thought the most beautiful thing in the world must be shadow.
Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I’ve been mulling a great deal the last several weeks over my shadow work progress. The entire point of 2016 for me is to work on myself, to deal with the issues I have with myself and my history, those things in my past that have marked me deeply. And I had to make a hard assessment of my efforts. And truth is, they haven’t been enough.

I haven’t been taking this seriously. I haven’t been taking myself seriously.

There’s a saying that “a witch who cannot hex cannot heal,” meaning that a witch who is unable to harm another, who is unable to cause hurt, is unable to heal it when it is brought to them. We cannot know the light without experiencing the darkness, for we do not know the light without the shadows it casts.

So, I made a choice. To take myself seriously, to take my healing seriously. To express myself, instead of bundling all my pain and hurt in my heart, mind, and soul.

Shadow Work journal

I pulled out the journal I had bought months ago and sat down with it, writing my current frustrations and pains on the pages.

It was not a lot, but it was something, and a small wound is now less red, less inflamed than it had been.

 

 

It’s amazing how some color and washi tape can make you feel happier.

I love how bright it is. With the colors and the flowers. Not what I was expecting.

Red

Shadow Work journal2I sent my best friend some pictures of the projects I’ve been working on, mostly the new bullet journal I started this weekend, but also a shot of my shadow work journal here.

I had inscribed a number of quotes after my first entry, all dealing with the shadow self, with shadow work. Quotes that have affected me or inspired me in some way along this darkened path. So many colors, and so bright.

“That’s the point,” I told her when she commented on it. And it is. I don’t want to sit in darkness anymore, and I need outlets for my creativity. I need some color in my life, even if it’s just ink on the page.

shadow work altar1.jpg

This journal will sit on the small altar I have set up atop my bookshelf in my office. It will sit upon the black scarf I have, with the candle and jar spells that I did for 2016. The small and empty jar of sourwood honey has a lavender candy spoon inside it from Sionnan and Penny from our equinox ritual last March, an attempt to hold onto my spoons as I deal with how much my mental illnesses take out of me in day-to-day life. The box I’ve had for years, almost as long as I’ve been Pagan, and in it are stones and items to bring me peace, joy, and courage.

Time to take this seriously now.

Flying to the Sabbat

i. Friday

Driving down the dirt road, past the home at the head of the property, we traveled deeper into the woodland. Tall pines stood as sentinels, a small line of silver birch to our right as we passed the spiral.  It was Friday, May 27th, and we were finally here. After 11 hours of driving, I was finally back at Raven’s Knoll, with my friends there for their first time.

I waved to the spiral as we drove ever so slowly down the road, remembering my time there the previous year, clad in a dress with my hair veiled, a thick salve of mugwort slathered at the crest of my spine and red paint across my face, wrists, and ankles. We had danced barefoot in the midst of the spiral labyrinth, the fire casting long shadows from the center as the witches danced a spiral dance, raising energy and losing themselves to the animal within.

20160527_171221.jpgDown the road we drove, parking before the keystone fire and the main gathering area. We clambered out of the car and stretched, enjoying the scent of pine sap and thick loam on the humid breeze. I met my friend Andrea from the previous Sabbat as we all closed our doors at the same time and introduced her to my three companions—Chase, Brooke, and Sionnan—before leading the way up to the registration tent, where we met the organizers and attended to the mundane things we needed. The steward’s daughter led us to the trailer we were using for the weekend, and we unloaded our belongings, changed, and headed back to the main fire-pit.

It was still quiet, registration having been opened less than an hour. We sat at the table with the black-painted stang of juniper wood, and I trailed my fingers along it quietly, enjoying the feeling of the rough paint and the grooved wood beneath my hands. When Juniper came by to ask for some help bringing items to the Spiral for the opening ritual, Sionnan and I agreed to join her. She bade me hold the stang as she drove us up, and I stood her between my knees, holding the forked branch, and rested the butt of her against my foot. In the back of the cart, Sionnan held the basket of odd fabrics, black henbane seeds, and the ointment of bear fat we would be using in the ritual the next day. And as we approached the Spiral, I held firm to the stang, not wanting to harm her as we entered the labyrinth.

Round and round we drove, with Juniper having bid the spirits of the land that we were there to leave a few things, and thanking them for letting us enter and leave unharmed. I danced with the branches of pine, weaving the stang as best I could between them to avoid damage, to both the stang and the trees. We entered the grove in the center of the spiral and left the cart, and I handed the black stang to Juniper, who lay it before the Horned Lord. Sionnan passed her the basket of cloth and poisons, and she lay that before the ancestors stang.

I strode to the back of the grove, near the entrance, and bowed my head to the stang there. It was the stang I had helped prepare, had helped paint and slather with mugwort ointment. I bid hello to Bob, the stag skull and spirit at the crux of the stang, running my fingers along his orbital sockets, the same ones I had painted red a year before to give him sight. I showed Sionnan the offering I had made the previous year, pleased to see it was holding up despite the elements of wind and rain and snow. And then it was time to leave the grove, for a time.

We drove back to the center gathering, and Sionnan and I rejoined Chase and Brooke before the four of us assisted in moving the three tents to fix the houses for that year’s workshops. All of us moved together, and it was probably the smoothest I have ever seen a group of people work together—which is surprising, considering how difficult it usually is to get a group of Witches and Pagans together and do anything, at least in my experience.

Opening ritual began later, and we greeted the various land spirits, both at Gnome Home and at the Spiral, as well as opened the temple and greeted the keystone fire-pit, where much of our time would be spent. We left offerings at the stangs in the spiral, and I once more bid Bob hello, leaving offerings of herbs, barley, and corn from home for him and the others. We brought the stang back to the fire-pit, as well as that year’s herb of black henbane. Our group of four stopped at the entrance of the spiral and left our offerings for the land spirits there, so different from their counterparts at the other half of the campground, before adjourning for dinner.

My group and I headed back to our trailer for a time to rest and eat dinner before the Bardic Circle that night. We smoked hand-rolled cigarettes of mugwort Sionnan had made and brought with her, and we drank the Viking Blood mead I had brought with me from home. With Chase still nervous about singing that evening at the circle, we thought it best to loosen her up some before she sang to the whole assembly.

And then it was time to head back to the fire.

It was not quite time for the circle when we arrived with our chairs and mead. I remember stepping aside to do something and catching Sarah Lawless passing by me. I was excited, having met her the previous year, but also for another reason: I had e-mailed her not long ago asking if she would have any rowan wood and berries to sell me, as I knew she had access to them. Sadly, she was unable to spare any due to her own source needing significant tending, but she directed me to a couple of sources and I thanked her. However, I was excited for an entirely different reason.

Not long before, just a week actually, I had gotten my first tattoo. Two branches of rowan on my left arm, encircled by a red thread, with one branch in blossom and one bearing fruit. I lifted my sleeve to show her as we crossed paths and she complimented me on it, mentioning that she had seen it earlier and was pleased by it. I reintroduced myself to her and mentioned the e-mails we had exchanged, then introduced her to my friends Chase and Brooke. (Sionnan was off making friends elsewhere, but we introduced her when she rejoined us not long after.)

For those who have never met Sarah Lawless, she is a lovely woman. You can tell she has a great wealth of knowledge, but she’s also quite kind and easy to talk to, easy to respect. We spoke with her for a time, and I complained that my tattoo itched but I couldn’t scratch else I would risk damage and infection. A moment later, I was shown a tin in Sarah’s hand and she offered it to me as a preventative for the itching. I immediately latched onto it, stating that I trusted her (as I knew she knew her shit), and she laughed and asked what that said about me. I had no response, but was glad for the ointment she had offered me, and she slathered it on my arm, still consisting of small open wounds. It was a flying ointment she had brought with her, and between that, the mead, and the mugwort cigarettes, I was definitely flying high by the end of the night.

The circle began not long after, with Chase leading the charge. She sang as darkness fell completely, firelight dancing across her as she slowly seemed to draw power, from the song, from the fire, from all of us listening. I had heard her sing this tale before at Samhain, but it was different in the middle of the woods ’round a crackling fire, with the stars as our only witnesses above us. You could feel the crackling of the fire, feel the strength and emotion she poured into the words. And as she sang the last line and bowed, we all erupted into applause, both our small group and the entire rest of the Bardic Circle. And so the circle continued, with tale after tale, song after song, deep into the night.

It was a few hours before I began to doze off, falling asleep in the peace of the woods and the warmth of the fire that drove away the swarms of mosquitoes we had been fighting since we arrived, to the sound of voices telling tales of the gods and the spirits. Our small group headed back to our trailer, ducking out between presenters with murmured apologies as we headed to bed. I was tired, yet still flying high as the ointment and I had by this point become deeply entwined with the herbs of the ointment soaked into my skin, the smoke of mugwort in my lungs, and the mead in my blood. I felt relaxed, and powerful, as we walked back to the trailer, where Sionnan and Brooke opted to lay on the little platform before our door and look at the stars.

So many stars…it was as if the entire sky was a battle of darkness and light far, far away. The sky was so thick with them, and I could not recall seeing so many since my previous year at the Knoll.

We fell asleep not long after, each of us exhausted but content in our own ways.


ii. Saturday

It was early when we awoke on Saturday, the morning deliciously cool on our skin as we headed back to the main fire. The majority of the day would be workshops, with the main ritual in the evening and the second ritual in the dead of night.

Most of our group stuck to the same workshops, beginning with the “Am I Being Cursed?” discussion led by Juniper and Linda. We talked about how to differentiate between a curse and just bad luck, and Linda showed us her curse diagnostics board she had made in order to more readily tell what might be going on in her life, at least magically. Much of the discussion touched on things and concepts I was already familiar with, and when the workshop ended, we all headed out to Gnome Home to give offerings to the land spirits and bid them thank you for allowing us to be there that weekend. I gave more offerings of

The four of us switched from House Rowan to House Blackthorn to learn of Blessing and Blasting from Peter. I think we all agreed by the end of his presentation that we were a bit disappointed. The information he gave was good, but most of us knew many of the things he covered, and it felt more like a lecture than a workshop. Once it was over, we returned to Gnome Home as Chase had wanted to take photos of the shrine, but we had opted to see if there were any signs it was acceptable before doing so.

20160528_124455When we returned, we were quite surprised, as there was a small chipmunk sitting at the shrine, munching on the seeds, nuts, and corn people had offered to the land spirits. He sat in the small doorway of the mound and we were all smitten—and surprised—to receive such a visceral sign of acceptance of our offerings. For what else could it be? (Coincidence, yes…but given the circumstances and where we were, none of us were inclined to skepticism at that point.

Our photos taken and the confirmation of Brooke being a Disney Princess complete, we headed back to the main fire-pit to await the Stone Soup, a number of pots of hot soup made on the main fire, as well as stir-fry and a potluck of other foods. We each tried moose meat, and Chase introduced a Canadian to the delicacy that is Old Bay. We talked and laughed with those around us, and we sat and enjoyed ourselves, enjoyed the feeling of being surrounded by fellow witches and Pagans. It was comfortable, liberating, and calming to be able to discuss the things we had done over the years, to discuss magic without fear of judgement.

I had missed this, as even online, even in local groups, it is always hard to truly relax and discuss these things. I am lucky, though, in that the Fellowship and my friends are all very open, and we discuss magic and religion regularly. Even so, we were a small community, here in the midst of Canada, surrounded by thick pine trees and the silence of the forest, and no judgement would pass here.

Lunch adjourned and we returned to House Rowan to prepare the stang for the main ritual. Chase had opted to head back to the trailer to rest before the other workshops, but Sionnan ran back to get her when we learned we would be making charms for the stang, rather than simply discussing it or making other preparations.

20160528_173722Each of us crafted our own charm to banish something from the Knoll. I, remembering my charm from last year, filled a small glass bottle with rowan berries and other herbs, then braided a rope of red, black, and white threads to hang it from: white for protection, black for banishing, and red for power. My knife, my beloved working knife, I passed to a few others at the table to cut thread and herbs for their charms. I have used this blade for several years for all kinds of magic, and after handing it to one woman, she commented on the heavy sensation she got from it, the sense of power and of dedicated work. I smiled, pleased to hear it, pleased that the knife and I had built such a relationship that others were able to send its works, its history.

We made our charms and hung them from our necks or carried them throughout the rest of the afternoon, through the discussion of that year’s herb and our main ritual briefing, where we were told what the format of the ritual would be. Then, we adjourned once more for dinner, in order to change and prepare ourselves before heading to the drumming circle. Andrea joined us after dinner and we shared the cigarettes Sionnan had rolled, discussing religion and magic before heading out to the main rite.

I won’t go into the main ritual, as it was a powerful rite that would lose its magnificence if it were shared in too much detail. But we danced the circle round, banishing the horrible things people may bring to the Knoll, and casting our charms to the stang. We made offerings of water, of mead, of wine to the stang, pouring them thickly upon the axis mundi symbol. And we danced in circles ’round the fire, all of us laughing and drumming and stamping our feet as we danced, building energy to empower our spell.

Each of us did our own things for the next several hours. Gersande joined us at the table outside our trailer as we sat and smoked more mugwort Sionnan had rolled, discussing more magic and religion between the five of us. We drank wine, the dark Apothic Red Brooke had brought with her. We discussed the ritual briefly and wondered how the next rite would go. Each of us was a bit nervous, but the time came to change into our white clothes and join the others back at the main fire-pit.

The ritual didn’t begin until midnight that night, that Saturday. We all gathered at the main fire-pit to talk and take part in more community before heading to the Cauldron. At some point before midnight, the sky opened up and rain fell. Not thick, not heavy, just a gentle rain from the sky, with lightning in the distance and the distant echoes of thunder.

“Thor,” Brooke murmured to me, pointing towards the lightning. I smiled and said a quiet prayer to my god as he showed his face here in the land so thick with magic and faith.

With the stars above us like a dense veil, it turned to midnight and we began our procession. Sarah told us we could be as serious or silly as we liked, but our tone quickly turned solemn as we processed down the main road and toward the Drumming Circle, passing its entrance and heading to the dark shores of the Cauldron.

We were all dressed in white, the gentle lights from the stars above and the sliver of moon still visible illuminating us like spirits in the night. Ahead of us, Sarah began to sing, bearing a lantern in one hand, clad all in red with her dark hair trailing down her back.

“Strong as the ocean,

Gentle as rain,

River wash my tears away,

Aphrodite.”

Soon the whole procession had picked up the chant, each of us lending our voice to the words, with stars above us and the tall pines standing sentinel on either side of the path.

Slowly, ever so slowly, we made our way onto the shores of the Cauldron. There stood a man in black beside a fire, and not far from him stood two torches, their threshold covered in rose petals. We made a dense semi-circle around the edge of the inky black, for we could not see the water beyond the torches. Frogs were our music now, our large group quiet as we passed honey from hand to hand to bring sweet things into our lives. A bottle was passed, and some of the most delicious liquid I have ever tasted gilded my tongue. Sarah came ’round to each of us, a bottle of red wine in hand, and she took a swig before spraying each of us in turn with wine from her lips. Juniper, too, came ’round, spraying us each again, staining our white shirts and faces with the red liquid. Around again came Sarah, a large basin in her hands filled with water and rose petals. I dipped my hands inside, bringing the water to my face and my throat, cleansing myself as I murmured a prayer to the Morrigan and thought of what I wished to rid myself of.

And then it was time.

The first wave went inside the Cauldron, that spring that formed a huge pond beside the Drumming Circle. Bodies clad in white or sky went in and doused themselves in the clear water, plunging themselves beneath the surface before rejoining us on the shores. We four were in the second wave, and I muttered that I regretted all my life choices before rushing into the water, expecting it to be cold and frigid.

But it wasn’t. It was warm and tender, like a hug from a gentle lover, and I submerged myself beneath it, but did not let my face slide under. I rose from the water and splashed water upon my face, rinsing myself clean of all the sorrows and worries that I had carried with me to that point.

We all left the water with laughter on our breath, water dripping from our bodies and skin, before toweling off and heading back to the trailer that was our home for the weekend. Our moods were lighter, and we each commented on how refreshed we felt, the warm water still sticking to our skin. I fell asleep that night with a smile on my lips, laughter in my heart, and the now cooled water drying in my hair.


iii. Sunday

Sunday morning rose early for Brooke and me as we headed to the bathroom then returned to the trailer. She asked for the keys to grab something from the car and I handed them over, only learning a few hours later that she had fallen asleep in the backseat, shielded from all the spirits and magic of the last two days. Sionnan and Chase woke her, and we packed our things in the car, cleaned the trailer, and headed back in the car to the main fire-pit, parking it where we had first arrived that Friday.

The first workshops that day were on sigil magic and witches ladders. I had originally planned to attend the witches ladder workshop, but the number of smokers and delay in the start prompted me to wander back over to House Blackthorn and learn more on sigil magic.

Our presenter was good, her daughter assisting as she showed us several methods in ceremonial magic to create sigils, guiding us through the creation of one. She was attentive to all of our questions, and I was very pleased and happy to learn from her, for she clearly knew her works.

After the workshop, we had a delay between it and the next. I spoke with Chase as the others headed off to attend to a few things, and we opted to head back to Ottawa. All of us were exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and we all wanted air conditioning and no bugs in the coming hours. So we bid our goodbyes to those we had made friends with, both old and new, and began to get ready to leave. But as we were heading back to the car, Chase recalled that Auz, the steward of this land, had offered to take her up to the Aesir Ve and show her the shrine to Freyja. She asked if he would tell us how to get there, but he volunteered to take us all the way to the shrine trail, our group of three and another, as Sionnan had gone off to search for birch branches for her goddess and lady Frigga.

We crossed paths not far from the sacred birch grove and headed down the path back towards the Drumming Circle and the Cauldron. Sionnan spoke of her desire for birch and showed us the short branch she had picked up. Auz gifted her a larger one shortly after, saying that birch quickly rotted once it hit the ground and this new one would serve her better, longer. I won’t tell that tale, for it is hers to share if she wishes.

20160529_122333As we headed through the Drumming Circle, we bid hello to the stang, where it still stood and guarded the land before it would be processed to the spiral with its brethren later that day, at the closing ritual. The others ahead of me, I heard shouting to our left and looked up on the edge of the circle to see a very large dog at its crest. I smiled at him, for I adore dogs, and tried to shoo him back towards his family on the other side where the swam in the Cauldron, but he would not be deterred. He ran down to me and nuzzled my hands, and I gave him skritches beneath the chin and behind the ears before directing him back to his family. He headed back and I ran ahead to join the others where they began to walk the trail, finally catching up to them at the Jotunn Ve at the head of the path. I stood at the back of the group, not wanting to catch Loki’s eye, for though I have no oath to him, he and I have danced before.

We picked our way through the swampy earth, down the trail, passing the shrine to the huntress, to the tricksters, and a few others before coming to a short bridge with a sign. Auz bid us read the sign and leave all items not dedicated to the Aesir behind, as well as our phones, upon the ledge of the bridge. I slid my phone from my pocket and lay it on the ledge before following my friends to the entrance of the Ve.

Our hands clasped in his, Auz took our oaths to worship only the Aesir past the entrance, within the confines of the Ve, to not allow spit nor sweat nor other uncleanliness to taint the godpoles or the altar, and to swear not to bring violence into this holy place. As my friends spoke their oaths ahead of me, I waited my turn before clasping his hand.

“Who stands before the gods?” Auz asked me, and I gave him my name, the one given to me at birth. But that name has little meaning to me, so I gave him the two other names I go by, those that hold more power to me and the ones I share with my gods and my folk: Dodger and Kaye MacArthur, the latter of which I write under here. He paused a moment then took me oath to keep the Ve clean, to bring no violence within its bounds, and to only worship the Aesir there. I swore my oath and entered the Ve, joining my friends before the four tall poles for Freyja, Frigga, Odin, and Frey.

The five of us oathed, we stood before the gods as Auz greeted the gods and welcomed us to the Ve, welcomed us to the presence of the Aesir. It was warm there in the Ve, for there were no trees above us, only the large expanse of blue sky with the sun burning brightly above. Ahead of me, to my left, I could feel a faint presence of joviality and strength. Thor it was, I believe, just there enough for me to sense him again after Saturday night’s brief storm. I bid hello to the Old Man and spoke my prayers to the coin I then lay upon the altar. We bid our gods greetings and spoke prayers to them before leaving and bidding them farewell, heading back to the car. Auz told us that now that we were oathed, we were welcome any time back to the Ve, and if need be, we too could oath others into the sacred space. I felt a heavy hand upon my shoulder, not necessarily of a god or spirit, but rather a sense of responsibility as he spoke those words to us. To give an oath is one thing, but to take the oath of another, as a conduit for the gods? It is a great deal of responsibility, and I am still sorting out my thoughts on the matter, even now, a week later.

On the way back, I thanked Auz for bringing us, not just for me but for my two friends who have recently begun to follow Norse paths.

“She needed that,” I told him as we stepped through muck and mud.  “And so I thank you.”

All once more gathered together, we thanked Auz for his time and for taking us through the shrine trail. The four of us climbed into the SUV and I drove us back towards the entrance of the grounds. We rolled the windows down and bid goodbye to the spirits there, to the spirits of the Spiral, thanking them for allowing us to join them for that weekend.

Three of us plan to come back next year, and so we promised to return. And as we reached the threshold of Raven’s Knoll, we stopped again and once more bid the spirits of the land thanks, promising our return. But for now, it was goodbye, and we began the journey back to Ottawa, back to home.

To Pay a Debt

Sometimes we make promises. These promises fall on the wayside, we forget, and they become years out of date. We make excuses and we cast it off as nothing. After all, nothing’s happened so far due to us not keeping our promises. Why should anything happen if you continue not to follow through?

Years ago, my grandfather had an incident. He and my grandmother live in New Mexico and he picked up geocaching after they moved there from Chicago. One day, he decided to go for a cache up on a mountain. Day turned to afternoon turned to evening turned to night. My mother got a panicked call from my grandmother saying that he hadn’t come home, he wasn’t answering his phone, and the place he had gone was on a mountain with cougars, bears, and other terrors.

That night was the first night I clasped my hands and prayed. My first prayers were to Anubis, for my grandfather’s safe return; my second prayers were to Hermes. I had never worked with Hermes but I figured it was good to throw in another god, one associated with both mountains and travel.

The next morning, we got a call. “I’m going to kill him,” my grandmother said. A member of the search party she had called together found my grandfather walking down the mountain to his car, completely fine. Once it had gotten late and dark, he had gotten out the emergency supplies he carried with him, and slept on the mountainside.

I’ve made it up to Anubis over the years for that, I believe. Hermes, though….

For the last two nights, I have burned cedarwood incense before I go to take my shower and relax for the night. As I blow out the initial flame, I murmur into the rising smoke “I burn this in offering to Hermes for the debt I owe,” or something to that effect. Things have been going rather smoothly the last couple of days, so I’m hoping that means the offerings have been accepted. I intend to burn more of the incense, but as it is actually The Boyfriend’s, I will have to ask him before I commit to it past this week. That said, I still intend to make it up to Hermes, to repay my debt, with interest.

-From “What I Owe

I’ve been dragging my feet for a while now. The gods have long memories, and years ago I spoke words in thanks to the Messenger of the Gods, the Fleet-Footed Bastard (as I call him), the Silver-Tongued Menace (another loving nickname): Hermes.

The shrine was set up weeks ago, the “most passive-aggressive bare bones shrine ever” as Sionnan said to me this weekend. She’s right, and it became clear to me that she was not the only one who had noticed. I won’t go into the details, but after dropping off Chase on Monday night on our return trip from Canada, I drove over to the Crystal Fox just before closing and tried to find a statue. No dice (pun intended).

So, yesterday while I sat in my cubicle at work, I took a short break from work to order him a proper icon on Amazon Smile. I have known the one I wanted, if I were to get one anyway, for some time now, but the smallest I could find was a 9″ statue, so I put it in my cart and clicked “Submit Order” with bitter resentment. They told me it would arrive on Tuesday, but of course it came to my apartment office today, his day, the same day I was sent home after just an hour of work for looking like hell.

It sits on his shrine with cedarwood incense burning to ash beside it. I have not yet refreshed his offering of cool water, nor lit his candle, but he has a stronger presence now. And even know I can taste warm copper on my tongue and sense his wicked smile of triumph.

Hermes is not one for patience, apparently. Or, rather, he is patient…to a point. And then all hell breaks loose.

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May Reflections on Creativity

ShadowMay
This reading wasn’t an easy one and I think it’s because the Triple Horned Goddess and Triformis cards are meant for you to understand, not me.
I got the impression they refer to the Morrigan but as soon as I thought that my insight sense shut down, so interpret that as you will.
Earth and The Great Rite indicate that you need to stabilize a profound relationship. How that relates to creativity is not clear to me, but it may be clear to you.
My best friend Red was gracious enough to pull this reading from her Well-Worn Path/Hidden Path joint divination deck by Raven Grimassi for May. “Incredibly NeoWiccan, but somehow still my go-to deck,” she told me after texting me the photo and her interpretation. I’ll admit that I take issue with a great deal of Grimassi’s ideas and writings, but I trust Red’s divination ability, so I spent most of May mulling on what this could mean for my year-long shadow work journey.
Red’s interpretation mentioned the Morrigan, but I had the feeling it was more to do with my deities as a whole set, rather than one in particular. After a month of relaxation, it was time to again focus on my oath…and another oath that I haven’t spoken of very much.
When I was young and foolish (though I still am), I spoke words aloud that I should not have without realizing what they would mean. I swore to not let the gods be forgotten, to do what I could to keep their names alive. A silly oath for a 19-year-old, but one all the same, and one I am obligated to commit to.
This morning, I took down the tenth shrine shelf on my wall, the empty shrine that had lain unadorned for weeks. I came to the realization early in May of what the purpose for this shelf would be, but it was damaged a while back and I have to replace it. It’s unfair to have a broken guest room, after all.
May was about my oaths, my words and my bonds I have made in previous years. It was a reminder of what I have promised, of what I must do to keep those promises. The Earth and the Great Rite cards confirm this, and it is not lost on me that the other two cards are both in reference to threes, a highly sacred number to me and my path—as well as a part of my oath: I swore on my hands, my mind, and my body to do these things, to speak their names and share them with those around me, with those who ask.
I spent May renewing my shrines, cleansing them and working on reciting my prayers each day. I made purchases for some of the shrines, including two new icons that are due to arrive today, and which I will lay upon the shrines this evening. I will replace the broken shelf and adorn it with small offerings, giving my love and adoration to any gods that may come to call, especially given my new purpose. But that’s a tale for a different time.

April Reflections on Protect

il_570xN.895186568_26vvWhen I drew my card for April on January 1st, the card I lay was Protect, bearing a mossy stone lock, its clasp entwined with ivy, and a black crow feather in the keyhole.

I had a few ideas of what it could mean, but I am lucky enough to have friends that read tarot and oracle cards and are willing to give me a hand when it comes time to figure out a focus for the month. For April, Chase did a reading for me to help me determine what “Protect” had in mind for me:

April Protection_ANGE

Two of Cups | Seven of Pentacles | Nine of Wands

So what I’m getting here is basically: find balance/harmony/equality in your relationships with others and with yourself, do not work so hard when you have already done all you can (and at this point you can only wait and see what fruit comes from your efforts), and rest/recover while also realizing that this is nowhere near the end of anything.

We agreed on the meaning: self-care. By that point, I was exhausted, physically, mentally, emotional, socially, and spiritually. You can tell from my previous post, Bone-weary, that I just felt overwhelmed by my life and responsibilities, so April was meant as a focus on me, on myself. I needed to protect myself and recharge before continuing forward.

I spent most of the month focusing on personal things, watching an online series, and playing video games, all things I typically deny myself in favor of my various responsibilities. It gave me a chance to come home after work and avoid facing much of the real world, instead giving myself the opportunity to just be myself, to do what I wanted to do, instead of what I had to do. I spent the first week or so of May also focused on myself, finishing up the last few things I wanted to get done before beginning to once again knuckle down.