When I did my oracle reading for the year of 2016, the card that I drew for January was “voice,” the card showing a wolf howling with what looks like a night sky behind them, stained with deep blues, rich dark purples, and bleeding pinks, dotted with stars.
I won’t lie—this card confused the hell out of me. I had no idea what to expect in January.
About a week ago, after having wracked my brain for what this card could be trying to tell me, I finally decided to draw a new reading for clarification. With the blizzard that hit the East Coast this past weekend, I ended up working from home Monday and Tuesday since we were still pretty snowed in. Sitting at my desk, I pulled out my Earthbound Oracle, and I began to do a reading.
Resistance, Sleep, Cycle.
The cards that showed up were easy enough to read in light of their overtone card, voice. Knowing when to speak up and when to hold my tongue. But why? What could I possibly need to do or realize with this? And so I felt no more clarification than I had when I first pulled the deck out again to read the cards.
And then I remember a reading a friend of mine did for me earlier this month. They were offering free Tarot readings on tumblr, and while I typically don’t request readings from others, I couldn’t resist. I knew that this year was going to be a rough one, tumultuous in terms of emotional rending and healing, mental chaos, and a lot of changes going on. But when they gave me the results of my question (What should the focus be for my shadow work this month?), the cards they sent back and the interpretation they gave hit me like a sack of bricks. I knew what I needed to do.
But gods damn, did I not want to do it.
See, the cards that Delffin sent back gave a general message of me confronting someone that has had a lot of control over my life, someone I had recently done a small battle with and that I was feeling drawn away from but I needed to fix the bridge between us.
And there was only one person who fit that bill: my mother.
I won’t go into details, because it’s highly personal and I don’t want people to think I’m dragging my own mother through the dirt. The truth is, we are very different people, and we have both had a great deal of trouble coming to terms with that. I am the eldest child, my parents’ first born, so it’s been tough for both of us. I love my mother, but like most of the people we love, she can be extremely frustrating. I had not spoken with her since before Christmas, and my maternal grandmother had reached out the previous week because she knew something was wrong but she did not know what and she wanted to know what was going on. I gave my side of the story, and we talked, but this was another sign of the universe bringing this once more to my attention.
And so after the clarification reading, with all of this in mind, I asked the cards how I should approach my mother.
Balance, Home, Self.
The Earthbound Oracle really does not pull any punches. I get nothing but pure honesty from these cards, and it’s always been highly specific about its answers to my questions. These cards are quite easy to interpret: finding a balance between my roots, my home, my mother, and that which makes me myself.
That is hard.
But the Universe wasn’t quite done sending me the message. My aunt, mother’s sister, and I had been talking of late, and after speaking with my grandmother, I had vented to her about my stress over the situation. She and I ended up Skyping later that day and talking about it some more, and she gave me some advice on how to approach my mother.
But I wasn’t ready. I put it off and put it off, and I didn’t want to do it.
I really did not want to do it.
But today, I did it. I sent my mother an email, very brief, and reached out.
And that’s the end of that, for now.
Shadow work is a real bitch.