VII. The Chariot

Determine the struggle; make victory sweet.

Believe it or not, I have been trying to write this post for almost three months.

The Chariot Shadowscapes Tarot by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law
The Chariot
Shadowscapes Tarot by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

I got a little stumped about how to approach this card. The Chariot stands for victory, focus, and establishing an identity. With it comes self confidence, discipline, and authority. These last two years, I have struggled deeply with these things. All of these things.

Depression takes everything out of you, whether it lasts a short time or ages. Mine took its toll on me and I changed, all the way to my core. I am not the same person I was when I graduated college; I am not the same person I was in the midst of my depression.

Truth be told, I don’t know myself that well anymore.

Three weeks ago, in my weekly therapy session, my therapist and I began discussing what it was I wanted, out of life. Who I wanted to be. She was…dissatisfied with my answer of “I want to travel, I want to get a dog, I want to experience things.” I couldn’t understand what she was asking. I think I know now, but I won’t know for sure until next Tuesday night.

Looking at myself and what I’m dissatisfied with, there is a lot. I still have anxiety. I still get depressed. I get angry and my anger can make me vicious, violent. I don’t want to be that person.

When I strip it down to its bare bones, I guess my answer is that I want to be at peace, with myself at the very least. (Being at peace with the world is impossible.) Overall, I like who I am, who I have started to become. I like myself.

Spiritually, I still struggle. I want to incorporate my faith and my actions, to meld them into one. I want to have my faith be synonymous with my being.

So far, I have started the smallest steps in that direction. Last week, I developed a calendar for 2015, one that signifies my holidays for the year and denotes the gods I wish to honor each day. It’s even color-coded for each god’s day, though Tuesdays and Fridays are shared (by Persephone and Hekate, and by the Stag Queen and the Dark Hound, respectively). It hangs above my desk now so that I can see it when I sit here, a constant reminder of the dedication I wish to have.

So while I still do not identify with a path, I am forging my own more deliberately. Slowly, but deliberately. (I hope.)